I have dichotomous feelings about this unit. On the one hand, I feel a strong sense of resistance to the process and depth of collaboration that OCA have shaped this unit around. This unit wasn’t originally in the degree when I enrolled, and the expectations I had for my studies were rooted in different criteria. I feel a choice has been taken out of my control, that I am being pushed in a direction that I wouldn’t personally have selected, that I am being denied the freedom to determine how to develop my own practice, at a time where my own ideas and interests are just beginning to surface.
But I also recognise the importance of collaboration. That It can open up my practice, help me develop in ways I couldn’t have stimulated myself, help me discover new ways of working, offer entrances to new communities, help me overcome my introversion and the insecurities I have around my work.
I recognise that my resistance is a manifestation of an underlying fear. It’s the fear that comes with stepping outside of my comfort zone, of having to come face-to-face with my edges, of overcoming my introversion, of not feeling safe in what I am doing and who it is with. This is the fear of the unknown, of not knowing outcomes, of not seeing the direction, of not having the control that I want over the ideas I want to develop. The fear of having to work with others who don’t ‘get’ my ideas and my desires, of having to dilute what I want to achieve. There is the fear of not knowing how the process will work, how to start it, of how to navigate other’s egos, how to create when separated by distance, how to nurture ideas over digital communications channels, how to pursue a collaboration when my time-poverty presents boundaries, of not knowing what the final work will look like or be.
Ultimately, it’s the fear of not achieving the academic outcomes I want, the validation as an artist I desire, the quality of work I want to produce – it’s the fear of failing on this degree.
Prior experiences of collaboration in my personal practice have been limited. Referring to John-Steiner’s modelling, distributed collaboration has been and is often still present. I discuss ideas, thoughts and approaches with my partner, an integrative psychotherapist; she offers a rich feminist and somatic awareness that is continually helping me see the oppression of patriarchy and privilege extant in the world, along with her own creative perspectives, influences of her previous career in architecture. My creative practice is also a topic of exploration with my own therapist – this very unit of collaboration and my resistance being the focus of my most recent session. And then there is the community of local artists that I loosely circumnavigate and the life drawing group I run locally. Creating connections within that community is a process I find difficult, hampered by my introversion and the insecurities I have about my work.
Yet, considering everything I have said above I would also offer up the contradiction I embody. In my professional life, collaboration is at the heart of my work. I have been employed in design agencies for over 20 years, where complementary collaboration is the fuel that powers the engines. I have been part of teams of small to large scales and I have built, managed and worked as part of teams that have delivered projects for local business to global multinationals. It is an industry and process I enjoy. I have long-established methods developed over those 20+ years for setting requirements, managing every aspect of projects, communicating with others, keeping records, chunking projects down and so on. I find collaborative working in the design industry instinctive. But that instinct has been built over an extensive period of time. It’s informed by recognised industry processes and standards, the domain knowledge I have acquired over the years, the trust I have developed in my colleagues and their capabilities. And there is the project itself, defined by an exterior source – the client. Collaboration is in service of a need, a requirement, and I play a role in its delivery.
How do I transition that experience from my professional life into my personal creative practice?
Collaboration doesn’t happen for the sake of collaborating. There has to be an underlying idea or intent or a question that needs exploring – not a defined goal, not a set outcome, just a spark, however small, to light the touchpaper. That was at the root of Picasso and Braque’s collaboration – a question of how to see and represent the world differently that disrupted the foundations of the art establishment. This is where my fear starts to arise – what is the question that a collaborator (or collaborators) and I can explore/ There are subjects I explored in the last unit, the autoethnographic framing I have started to apply to my work, the exploration of the components of identity, my recognition and ownership of my white privilege – and these are themes I want to continue exploring. But would I find collaborators who want to explore the same questions? Do I have to let go of those and follow someone else’s intents? Who leads the birth of the project, then how do we parent it without losing our identities and our own personal needs – my identity, my needs?
At this moment, I am confused, a little lost and a lot fearful – and that is continuing to provoke my resistance.